Memories of my beloved
by wotcher98
Summary: Remus is determined to prove his love for Tonks. But how will he achieve it?
1. Part One

_Hello everyone! This fic is set sometime after Dumbledore's funeral. Say after two-three days. Remus and Tonks aren't married yet in this fic. This fic was supposed to have two chapters but since second chapter was getting too long, I might divide into a third one. Enjoy this part for time being (at least I hope you enjoy!)_

_I do not own Harry Potter._

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Remus brushed his fingers against the orange colored Lantana in Molly's beautiful back garden. People who were on the light side and were fighting the raging war, would really appreciate the beauty of it; they would find peace in all the colors and mesmerizing seemed as if colorful and nice smelling things or more importantly, _person_, calmed him.

He walked past the lavender Asters and pink Appleblossom yarrows and realised that there wasn't a single color here in these flowers that he hasn't seen _her_ hairs in. All these colors reminded him of _her_- orange, lavendar, green... _Pink_.

Everything reminded him of her. That is probably what happens when you are in love. It had been happening with him for more than one year. Every little thing made his mind flash back to her. When once he had been on order business, meeting people, trying to recruit them, he had met vast variety of individuals. One of them had been a werewolf, a bit older and more ragged than him; when he had asked him his name he had replied _'It's Supreme Marble'_. Though he had effectively disguised his chortling into coughing, his first thought had been, _'and Nymphadora thinks her name is obnoxious'_.

At first he hadn't thought much of it, if anything, thinking about her used to bring a smile on his face, but as time passed, every time his thoughts went to her (and it was an awfully lot), it would be maddening and saddening... Because she had become this thing in his life that he wanted the most, and yet she was unattainable. And even later in time when he had thought of her it was no more an image of colorful cheerful Tonks, but a morose and depressed Tonks, which had cut him deeper into heart than anything.

But now things were far more different; everything wasn't perfect and he would often feel these pangs of doubts that he was dragging her along him, but he was happy in a way that he never had been. Now thinking of her not just brought a smile on his face, but it lightened his heart too.

He heard a faint thumping and turned around to see Alastor Moody walking towards him but not really looking him in the eye. Order meeting had adjourned few minutes before and Remus had came here. Alastor had been discussing curse breaking with Bill, and by discussing he meant it was rather an one-sided conversation. Tonks had left immediately as she had to report urgently at Ministry, but not before she gave him a secret smile and a brush against his hand.

"Some of these are not even found here." he said when he reached to him, pointing towards the various flowers with his one eye fixed on them and other one rotating around, scanning the area.

Remus raised his one eyebrow. "You know about flowers too?"

"Of course I do." he replied almost indignantly. "There are some nasty, dark magical flowers, and I am talking about _only_ flowers, not plants. Touch them once and you will never be the same again." he finished darkly.

Of course there were. Everything was possible in magical world. Though in Herbology, the subject didn't touch the darker aspects of forticulture. But then again, Alastor wasn't here to talk to him about anthology. Something was bothering the old Auror. Something not work related, something which had left him uncomfortable; it was all written in his body language.

"You wished to say something to me...?" he probed.

Moody fidgeted, which was an odd scene, then seemingly steeling himself he replied in a tone which one would use while talking about muggle missiles taking off to Mars.

"I heard about you and Tonks."

Remus immediately inwardly cringed. Moody was the last person he wished to talk about his love life. He only looked good while talking about dangers and murders. He looked skeptically at him wondering what to reply. But Moody wasn't looking for him to reply, he wasn't even looking at him, may be that was what had made him able to talk about this bizarre subject, well bizarre for Alastor.

"What I want to say is, if you don't feel for her, you don't need to pretend; don't need to pretend just because she can be happy. I understand you are a good friend and care for her but no need to pretend because when the truth will come out, it will hurt her more than ever." he finished gruffly and said words like _'feel' 'care' 'hurt'_ with such a sour face as if he couldn't himself believe he was talking about this.

Remus was really puzzled and beyond shocked. He gaped at him. Whatever gave him the impression that he was pretending to just make Tonks happy and that he didn't really love her? He had expected some _'don't hurt her'_ speech but this was exact opposite. Beyond his comprehension.

"What are you talking about?!" he almost exclaimed and did nothing to hide his shock.

"I am talking about you obviously!" he barked. "You were running away whole year from her, giving excuses and she was running after you, and then you suddenly realize that you want to be with her! What else am I to understand?"

"I don't know whatever gave you the impression that I don't reciprocate her feelings, because I do. I was just trying to protect her life from burdening." he replied a little frantically; he couldn't believe that not only he was having this conversation with Moody of all people but that he also wanted him to understand that he wasn't faking it. Is that what everyone thought about him and Tonks...?

"What?" he looked genuinely shocked and a little upset that he wasted few minutes of his life talking about _'feelings and love'_ when he could have utilised that time to bombard people with surprise curses.

"Well... Anyway then! That's what it looked like to a third person. How was I to know? My eye can see through things not through people's mind. She's the closest thing I have got to a daughter and to me it looked like as if you just relented because you got fed up."

"Yes but-" Remus started saying but Moody was already walking away muttering to himself.

Remus sighed in part annoyance and part amusement. _Wait until Tonks hears this, she's going to have a fit,_ he thought. He started walking towards Burrow when a voice saying his name halted him in his tracks.

"...Lupin?"

His first thought was that someone was calling him, but when he peered round the building, he saw Ron, Ginny, Fred & George working in the garden, probably assigned by Molly to feed chickens and tend to the garden gnomes. It was Ron's voice that he had heard.

"What?" Ginny looked up after throwing one gnome in far off distance.

"Do you think this Tonks and Lupin matter is one sided?" he replied without actually looking up.

Merlin what was up today with people? Have they got nothing better than to talk and think about his love life? And why were they all of the same opinion, it was now really starting him to worry. He was effectively hidden behind the shadows and it was a bit disconcerting to himself that he was eavesdropping on a bunch of teenagers. No not teenagers, he reminded himself, three of them were of age now, they were sensible enough to understand many things.

"One sided as in only from one side that is only from Tonks's side?" George replied or at least the one wearing the hoodie with name 'George' written on it replied.

"Yeah, I wondered it too in the beginning." the other twin replied.

"Of course it's _not_ one sided!" Ginny retorted. "Do you think Mum would have been trying to hook them up if it was one sided? Surely, she would have seen Lupin feeling equally for her."

"Yeah and wasn't Mum the one who was trying to fix Tonks and Bill together, when none of them were interested?" George replied sarcastically.

Even Remus had heard about Molly trying to get Tonks together with the eldest Weasley. Really what had possessed her do to so? They are like siblings! But then again he would find flaw in every matchmaking where Tonks's name was taken with some other man, other than himself.

"Oh come on! But she curbed it didn't she? She realized that Tonks really didn't want it. And besides do you take Tonks as the type of the girl to pursue someone who _doesn't_ reciprocate her feelings? She is not some desperate, whiny type of girl."

"You are right about that one." Fred agreed and other brothers too nodded their head in agreement.

"But still..." Ron started doubtfully. "Even if he feels the same way, do you think he, you know, loves her as much as she loves him? Because like if he were like really really _really_ into her, how he could have ignored her for a year? Besides he never showed any signs; with Tonks we could guess something was wrong with her. Even Harry, he thought that Tonks had been in love with Sirius!"

Everyone present sobered a bit on the mention of their late Ginny snorted softly.

"Trust Harry to think most bizarre things! He was her _cousin_." she emphasized.

"Yes but not that _close_ relative, after all _all_ the pure blood people are related to each other some how. I am sure Harry's father would have been distinctly related to Weasleys, in that way even you might be related to Harry, little sister." Fred piped up and in return he received a typical Weasley-women glare from his sister.

"Let's not stray from topic Fred." George said cheekily. "Ron here says Lupin didn't demonstrate his feelings; it's not like Ron did the same with one Miss Granger..."

Despite, George's mention, Remus felt they indeed have strayed away from their intial topic and he slowly walked away from the scene, lost in his own thoughts.

For past one year, without knowing he had been giving impression to people and not just any people but their friends that he was totally uninterested in relationship with Tonks and it was her who was pursuing him relentlessly, he had unknowingly reduced her reputation in other's eyes.

Who wouldn't love a public declaration of love? He loved it; he had fantasized in his youth about some woman loving him so deeply that she was willing to shout it out to the world. Tonks had exactly done that, she had never been ashamed of her feelings, had never hid it from the world. On the other hand, she also knew he couldn't make them public, even if he would love to stand in the middle of Diagon Alley and scream that she is the love of his life; for a werewolf it was simply not a possibility. But still, he could be at least precise and clear in front of their friends, where he could be whatever he wanted to.

Though they all knew Tonks enough to not to take her as some over clingy girl, he now realized he had been sending some mixed signals with his silence.

By the time he walked up to Arthur's shed he bumped into none other than Arthur himself.

"Oh hello Remus. We thought you already left." he asked with a warm smile while opening the door of shed with his wand. Though Arthur was about 10 years older than him, he was sensible, understanding man and they often were at the same page. Even if he would have loved to have a chat with James or Sirius at the moment, he knew it was impossible. So he decided to talk to Arthur.

"Yes well, are you free?" Remus inquired.

"Oh of course, come on in." Arthur beckoned him in the shed,which was possibly half the reason of Molly Weasley's often high blood pressure. It had a personal touch of someone spending their leisure time here. There sat a yellow rubber duck in a corner, with a plug set, several posters and diagrams of engines, etc. But what drew his attention was dismantled motorcycle which appeared to be of-

"It was Sirius's." Arthur's voice interrupted softly. "Hagrid gave me, I am trying to mend it, it will be damn useful once its workable."

Remus stared at the remainants of the bike which Sirius had bought with pride. It's first ride had been with James and Sirius; he still remembered there ruffled hairs and wide grins after they have landed on earth.

He steered his eyes away from it and gave Arthur a reassuring smile.

"Do you wanted to talk about something?" he asked while seating himself on a desk and pointing him towards an empty chair.

He sat and looked here and there for inspiration. Suddenly opening up to him seemed a bad idea. Last time he had a heart to heart chat was probably seventeen years ago. He just wasn't used to it.

"Is it about your new _lady friend_?" Arthur probed suggestively with a knowing smile to which Remus mumbled _'more like lady love'_ which caused Arthur to chuckle.

"Go on Remus, you can talk to me about anything."

He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. He fixed his eyes on the yellow duck which now seemed to be staring at him incredulously.

"When- _How_ did you noticed... you know that I and Tonks- more like I... hadathingforher?" he said the last words really fast but Arthur still understood.

"I didn't of course!" He said cheerfully as if he has said nothing out of ordinary. At his puzzled look, he clarified, "Obviously it was Molly who notified me."

_Ah, obviously..._ Molly had somehow became the stage manager of his love story in the past year and he didn't know whether to be grateful or to be irritated. Why wasn't anyone else perceptive enough, apart from Molly and Tonks, to acknowledge his feelings?

"You mean to say, you never really noticed...?"

"Oh I did noticed. What I meant was that it was Molly who informed me _first_, back then when Sirius was still there, she told me and even after that I didn't really pay much attention-who was I to poke my nose in other people's life? But, well, after Sirius, I noticed change in not just Tonks but in you as well. Clearly your change in attitude could have been due to Sirius, and I guess partly it was, but something about you screamed _'unattainable love'_." his voice grew somber by the end. "Believe me or not, but I have been there in your place, even if for a shorter duration. I guess every person in love, once thought that their love might remain incomplete."

"So, you never felt that with me and Tonks, it was one sided?"

"Of course not Remus, Tonks is not that type of a girl, had you not had any feelings for her, she would have moved on, but since you _had_ feelings for her and yet you were trying to get yourself killed without even willing to tell her the truth that you love her- _that_ was what really bothered her. We, Molly and I, believe her change was majorly due to _worry_ over you, and not your rejection, though it must have been depressing too."

"I wasn't rejecting her." Remus mumbled, looking to the ground. Arthur in few words had managed to hit the bottom of the problem. The problem was not that he never reciprocated her feelings, he did and that too deeply, and _that_ was what complicated things.

"I know you weren't Remus, it was more like you were rejecting your _own_ happiness. You were trying to protect her, but sometimes the best way to protect your loved ones is to be with them."

His heart felt considerably lighter, even though no really concrete conclusion or solution had came from this conversation, but he suppose that he wasn't really looking for a conclusion, more like just a person to hear him out and tell his opinion.

"Thank you Arthur!" he stood with more zeal than before and shook his hand whole heartedly.

When he stepped out of the shed, fresh air brought along with it fresh resolve. How had Tonks gone on fighting for their love without even any concrete proof that he indeed loved her, _love her_? He had never said, he had never showed. How on her sheer faith she had kept going on? He had never expressed but somehow she had known, and he was glad for that because if she hadn't then today he won't be experiencing the blissful happiness. But wasn't he taking it for granted? Taking _her_ for granted? Always assuming that she would know for sure? On that day, on Astronomy tower, the killing curse that missed him by mere inches, if that would have hit him, he never _ever_ would have got the chance to even tell her what he felt about her. True, what he had ever wanted was her happiness and his own peace too, he had always acted according to that, but now was the time to actually prove it to her.

It was the time to prove her that how she was right in her faith in _their_ love. Sure a simple _'I love you'_ would do and he knew she would be more than happy enough but he wanted to, like, _really_ prove it to her, so that never even an ounce of doubt may occur in her heart.

It was the time to show her.

But how?

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_Hello! Thanks for reading, part two will be up soon. I know Tonks wasn't present in this chapter but she would be there in next one. This one was more like a prologue. Please review, favorite or follow the story, your feedback is greatly loved. Thank you. :)_


	2. Part two

Tonks concentrated on turning her hairs black, with closed eyes, in her bathroom. She wanted to look _normal_ for once. When she looked in mirror she found a perfect set of straight black hairs. But the problem was she looked too much like a black now; though she knew it was just in her head. No one while looking at her would be able to guess that she was a half black. She thought to turn it to brown but immediately rejected the thought. She'd had enough of brown for a lifetime. She didn't want to turn it blonde either. It would make her look... What? As if she was trying deliberately to impress by turning blonde or wanting to look like Fleur. She couldn't go red as she would look like a Weasley, and any other shades of red, she may as well as turn it pink!

Merlin was there no normal hair color for her?

She finally decided to mix normal and strange colors together. She morphed her hairs blonde with light pink highlights, a bit longer than usual. As normal as she can look on a happy day.

It was Sunday and it wasn't her day off. She hadn't had a day off in what seemed like ages, but she had a late shift today so she wasn't particularly in hurry. Besides, Remus was coming to meet her; she supposed it was sort of a date as they couldn't really go public, hence the desire to look normal. But then again he had probably seen her looking weirder in the past and yet he had loved her anyway. She was happy with whatever they could manage together. Sometimes she got this forbidden sort of feeling as if the world was coming to an end and she wanted to grab all the time they could spend together. Even if nine am was an odd time for a date!

She took a last look at the mirror and as she stepped out of the bathroom, she heard a knock on the door. She jumped with nerves; she had been anticipating it for a long time. She checked from the eye hole, and it was Remus, alright. Just as she opened the door fully and moved forward to greet him, she tripped on her untied shoe lace, effectively losing her balance and landing straight into his arms. But apparently, his stand on the ground wasn't too strong either, as taken by surprise he too fell on the ground, taking her on top, along with him.

Her own fall had been cushioned by his body and had she not been worrying about his crushed bones, she actually felt quite nice.

"I am so so _so_ sorry!" she slowly moved her head from its place in the crook of his neck.

"What are apologizing for? I think it is a perfect way to say hello." he said with amusement and for first time she took a good look at his face which was temptingly close to hers. She thought they might look a strange sight, sprawled on floor in front of her doorway, and it was with this thought that she tried to get up when his arms on her waist halted her progress and he pressed a kiss on her cheek in greeting and then let her go.

She was pleasantly surprised with his forwardness because in the few days they have been together, he had often been hesitant around her though not negatively so. She thought that it was that kind of shyness which... lovers? Partners? people in relationship?... felt in early days of their courtship and apparently he too had been a bit surprised of his forwardness because she saw his ears turning a faint pink. She too impulsively leaned and kissed him on cheek and they both were taken a bit aback.

"Come in." she said hastily to relieve both of them of their embarrassment. Really, now all this shy business was getting irritating. Shouldn't they be blatantly flirting as they used to before... Well anyway.

Her flat wasn't speck clean but it wasn't looking a garbage bin either. As he seated himself on the sofa, she stood awkwardly trying to decide what to do with her hands and legs.

"You can sit you know, you aren't in a detention." he looked at her with a teasing smile and she rolled her eyes in annoyance at herself. What was wrong with her? She seated herself on the sofa next to him, _too_ close to him than she would have sat had it not been Remus only to immediately jump back on her feet again.

She must look like an idiot, as in _real_ idiot.

He raised his one eyebrow in part question and part surprise.

"Have you had breakfast?" she asked breathily.

"I... Had tea in the morning."

"Just wait alright?"

"No need to go in any trouble-"

"No really, just a minute." she said and turned her back to him, making a move towards the kitchen.

On Remus's part, he was enjoying a flustered Tonks and the continuous color of faint pink on her cheeks, a little _too_ much.

Back in her dingy kitchen, Tonks took a deep breath to calm her racing heart. It was the same Remus, she had dreamt of spending _couple-y_ time with, why to get nervous now? It was the Remus she loved and wanted to love, same Remus whom she wanted to kiss, make out, make-

Now, she was letting her thoughts get better of her!

After five minutes she emerged from kitchen with a better hold on herself.

"Wotcher!" she said cheerfully, remembering that she hadn't exactly said hello to him.

"Hello again!" She placed the tray she had bought along with her, on the table. "This was the cake, Molly sent me via floo this morning." she said seating herself next to him, knowing it was chocolate and he couldn't resist it.

"It's like she's a superwoman, she's everywhere at _all_ the time."

"Good for us." they sat there and simply talked and ate. When she went to cut the cake (it was a tiny one) in slices as a proper house woman would do, he told her not to as apparently the enjoyment of cake eating was eating it _directly_ with a spoon, where there was a chance that one person might get more in proportion than the other person. They also talked about her work, order plans but didn't went too much into detail as it would have spoiled the mood. After they finished he did the honors of sending the dirty utensils straight to the kitchen sink, without it actually being in vision, and since she didn't hear any familiar bang she thought that he had indeed done it correctly, which made him smug and her envy at his household-y spells.

Now since the food had disappeared between them, she once again felt that _shy-hesitant_ air coming back. What should she do with her hands? Like hug his arm or should she _strangle herself?_ Should she lean into him, keep her head on his shoulder or will it look too abrupt? Just as she was contemplating she felt his both hands grasping her one hand. She gave him a grin and wondered if any chocolate was stuck to her teeth making her look like a bad case of dental problem. As soon as that thought came, she banished it and instead focused on him, because it looked like he wanted to say something.

"I wanted to tell you something." he spoke softly in a different tone he was using mere minutes ago.

"You did?" she replied matching her tone with his.

"Mmm." he caressed her wrist with his thumb.

"I wanted to tell you, because I think I _should_- no, that makes it sound like an obligation, it's _not_ an obligation, but you should know... I, in fact _need_ to tell you because _I need to tell you_." he huffed softly in exasperation. "I am not making much sense am I?" he inquired peering at her.

"A little bit, go on." She urged.

He nodded to himself in determination. "You-you have changed my life even if I have known you for a shorter time- that doesn't mean that you aren't important just because I have known you only for about two years, because you are; you are of utmost important-_importance_ to me-"

"Remus what are you trying to say?" her heart was beating at a pretty high rate both due to his words and his caress on her wrist; she feared he might feel her racing pulse in her wrist.

"_You know_ what I am trying to say." he replied.

She knew; at least she _thought_ she knew, or at least she had a fair idea. She'd _always_ had a fair idea, but that doesn't mean she hadn't been dying to hear it. "I-I know..._maybe_...but I would still know if you don't say, that is-"

"I love you."

Even though she had been expecting it, her heart still skipped at least two beats in surprise; she felt as if caterpillars were turning into butterflies in her stomach, because even if she almost knew, she had learned in her life to expect the unexpected and not to expect the expected...

She smiled like she had _never_ smiled, like she had never been really happy before, as if _this_ was the moment she had been waiting for. She felt stinging in her eyes, but she didn't want to cry, even if they were happy tears; she had shed enough of tears in the past year.

As for Remus he was watching her gently with a small smile. To his credit, now that he had said the words he wasn't looking nervous, nor was anticipating any negative reactions. It was one of the few moments of his life in which he was fully confident.

"I know." she breathed. "I have always known."

"And I am _so_ thankful for that." he said genuinely. He leant forward and her smile dimmed in anticipatory nerves but not the brightness of her eyes. She too leant forward a little, encouraging him and wanting _him_ to cover the final small distance. He understood and pressed his lips to hers softly.

Her hand was still in his large ones, and they both tightened their hold. She breathed him in wanting to drink all of him as he moved his lips silkily over hers. It wasn't _exactly_ their first kiss, as few days ago she had placed a kiss on his mouth but it was a chaste one. This by no means was chaste; even though it was soft and slow, it didn't lack any passion.

They pulled away and his hand left hers. "I need to show-_give_ you something." his hand went to the inner pocket of his coat and he took out a square cardboard box, which he tapped with his wand and it grew drastically in size.

She couldn't for the life of it, guess what it was. He handed it to her by depositing it in her lap.

"It's well... Open it." he said, suddenly looked a bit uncomfortable. He scratched his temple with his index finger in apprehension.

She removed the tape from the box's mouth. In it she found numerous small glass bottles, more like test tubes with cork, which were filled with blue swirling liquid kind of thing. It looked like... _memories_.

"What's this Remus?" she asked in puzzlement; she had no idea what it was meant to be.

"Memories. _My_ memories."

"Your mem-but... I am sorry, I can't understand, please elaborate." she asked with a frown on her face.

He cleared his throat as if he had been given a daunting task of explaining the specifics of human anatomy. "See, the thing is, in the past year… I-I won't say my reasons were excuses that they weren't- _aren't_ important- That's not what I want to talk about! I guess I am at a loss for words with you." he straightened a little, with irritation and amusement etched on his face.

"Go on." she lightly squeezed his hand to encourage him.

"What I mean is that in past year I have come out as if… I loved you _any_ less. I know _you_ _knew_ that I had feelings for you, but now I don't want you to rely _just_ on your own faith. I want to prove it you that I love you equally, if not more. Hence, the memories. They are from my point of view, taking _you_ as the center; these will tell you how I felt about you in these months, how the feelings gradually grew, they will show you my love for you, what you mean to Me." he took a deep breath after he finished, for once glad that he had exactly spoken what he had wanted to.

"But… Remus it isn't a competition about who loves more-"

"I know, and it is not, but for my peace of mind, I need to tell you. Because there are so many things that I never got around to say to you, that I will regret if I will never be able to say them. I think the best way is for you to see them with your own eyes."

"Remus, these are your memories, these are _private_ to you, and I would be intruding in your private space..." she trailed off helplessly. In reality she was sorely tempted to know all the sides of him, she can, but she knew he was an extremely private man, and difficult it would have been for him to take this decision, to share something like this with her; she knew it would be wrong of her.

"Look, I have practically lived my life as a loner for past countless years. You are the first one with whom I truly want to share It." he sighed and suddenly the energy in his shoulders seemed to sag, as if the burden of world was on his shoulders. "I have kept so many things within me... And sometimes I just want someone to just listen to me, just share it with me and that someone is you... It won't be intruding because I want you to see them. It's difficult for me to share it all with you _in words_… but I don't want to keep any secrets between us; it's not easy but it's something I truly want." he concluded softly.

She _really_ appreciated the sentiment. She felt as if she was dreaming; that the man she loved considered her important enough to want to share himself with her. It was a privilege.

"Alright." she said with a smile, which he returned.

It was time to dwell in the memories of her beloved.


End file.
